I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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