im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
