Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
