all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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