Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
