there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We talked him into tasing himself.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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