his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
