Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
