don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
