Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
you had me at cake vodka
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
