I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
