He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
