No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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