On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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