she woke up with a sticky ear
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
