I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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