I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
