Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
