Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
