Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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