Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She's the barista slut.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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