he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Randomize
