***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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