worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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