my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You are a genius and a whore.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
