it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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