I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
