I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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