My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
