My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
