after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
