piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
