I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
