I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Hippo gnu deer
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
