I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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