I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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