Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
