I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I wish my penis had an off switch
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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