I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
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