her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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