i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
