corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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