There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
