just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
