I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
