I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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