DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
