i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
