The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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