I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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