my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
